The Pig Chronicles #4: Ham-mer Time

February 1, 2016

A staff lunch was convened in the office in honor of a visitor, who obviously had not yet been graced with The Pig Chronicles.

You what?!
[See here, here, and here.]

*blank stare*
Oh, guys! I’m not a vegetarian anymore. I’ve started trying bites of people’s food containing meat, and I even sampled bacon the other day! But I’ve made a pact that I’m cutting off all pork products when the pig moves in because I don’t want it to smell its own flesh baking or whatever.

Wait, didn’t you recently decide to apply to a grad program in London for this fall?
If I get into the grad program in London, I’ll just take it with me. Did you know that there are passports for animals? I mean, I’m not sure if they apply to pigs, but I know they exist for dogs and cats, so it shouldn’t be an issue. But ultimately, I don’t know where I’m going for grad school and honestly, there are a lot of uncertainties about what I’m going to be doing or where I’ll be next year, so I figured I may as well just get the pig now.

I’m sure the building office manager is not going to allow you to bring an animal to work.
It will be fine. I’ll keep him under my desk. I’m good at hiding animals, remember? Besides I’ve decided to knit it a little red and white sweater, so it can be our mascot! I found this DIY [which she pronounced DEE-YAW] puppy sweater pattern. It’s going to be SO cute!

Do you have a contingency plan if things go awry?
If things don’t work out, it can probably go live on my roommate’s grandparents’ farm in Maryland. We can just put it on the train.
[Editor’s note: this was said with a completely straight face. Like, she literally thinks you can just plop a pig on the Acela Express and sent it on its merry Amtrak way.]

Who gets the pig if you and your roommate decide to go different ways?
We’ll definitely have to draw up a contract for custody and stuff.

Wow. This has been the most interesting business lunch I’ve ever attended.
It’s really amusing to me how intrigued everyone is about my getting a pig. I mean, I feel like it has fostered some great discussions because people always have so many questions. It’s been kind of a philosophical venture, really.


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