The Pig Chronicles #1: Don’t Go Bacon My Heart

February 1, 2016

Background:
So we have this intern at work who is contracted for a year. She recently graduated from a university in the area, and gets paid a monthly stipend, which unless you live in Montana, means nothing. She does not own a vehicle, and she shares a tiny apartment with a roommate on the edge of town, right where things start to become sketchy.

In December, because we employ so few staff, we gathered for happy hour at a nearby bar instead of planning a classic office holiday party (I mean, for B’s work holiday party, I was picked up at home and transported by a private black car to the partner’s house…ah, the corporate life). We had barely been seated when the aforementioned intern, let’s call her Miss Piggy (MP), announced that she had something to tell us.

“You guys, I went to a farm over the weekend and FELL IN LOVE WITH A PIG. I decided right away that I had to get one, so when I got home, I went on Craigslist and searched ‘pig dealer.’ I found this lady at a farm about an hour away with a litter on sale. I put down a deposit and she’s going to contact me when the piglets are born. I’m getting a pig, and OMG, I’m so excited!”

One can imagine the full minute of silence that followed; the stunned calm before the storm of questions we fired at her for the next hour.

Where will the pig live? Does your apartment complex have a backyard or at least patch of grass in the front?
There’s no grass anywhere because I basically live in a concrete jungle, but it’s not a big deal because I’m just going to keep it in my bedroom.

Are you getting a teacup pig? I mean, how big is this animal going to get?
Well, the farmer said that there’s actually no such thing as a teacup pig. The tiny pigs are just emaciated, anorexic animals. The pig I’m getting will probably start out small like what you see in photos, but it will grow to about *spreads hands three feet apart.*

That’s huge! Is that really going to fit in your apartment? How does your roommate feel about all this?
Oh yeah, it won’t be an issue at all! My roommate is great. She loves pigs too, and her grandparents used to be pig farmers, so it will be nice to have someone to call up if we have any questions.

What do pigs eat? What are you going to feed it?
I’m a vegetarian, so I plan to just feed it whatever I cook for myself. [Editor’s note: MP has previously disclosed that she does not cook and “scavenges snacks” for most of her meals.]

Do you…walk pigs? How does that work? What if you have to go somewhere?
Yeah, I’ll probably need to get a leash. I’ve actually been looking into strollers, because sometimes I need to get to and from places fairly quickly, so it’ll be much easier with a stroller. Otherwise, I’ll just take it on the T with me. I see dogs on there all the time.

Aren’t you applying for grad schools on the West Coast?
I’m actually applying to grad schools all over the place, including abroad. But I’ll just take it with me wherever I go. People take dogs and cats with them on the plane all the time. I’m sure it’s the same process for a pig.

Are you f**king kidding me?!
I don’t know why everyone I tell thinks this is crazy. It’s totally normal to have a pet. You guys can’t talk me out of it. My heart is set.

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One Response to “The Pig Chronicles #1: Don’t Go Bacon My Heart”


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