Grace is sufficient.

August 21, 2011

True love…

It is a bit unnerving to me how easy life is right now. This morning I went to an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet (omg–tender salmon, sweet crab legs, and unlimited fresh oysters on the half shell) and then laughed my way down the Willamette River in a bright yellow raft with B, H, and H’s girlfriend C.

In general, my days are filled with Scrabble games, too large quantities of delicious food, a constant stream of HGTV, a smattering of hikes to breathtaking waterfalls, Happy Hours at kitschy Portland bars, and all the time in the world to spend with B. The toughest I have had it is discovering the hard way that I’m terrible at skimboarding, ripping my jeans after inadvertently stepping in a pothole, and being greeted at the airport with a giant sign of my most hideous picture (seriously, I look like I have a goiter). I know, my life is so rough.

Okay, so it has been a wonderful month of relaxation, just enough adventure, and plentiful rolls of soft toilet paper. In many ways, this makes me all the more nervous about my impending transition. I am anxious that I have turned into even more of a luxury princess having spent the month in a mansion, and I am afraid that I am just going to fail miserably at adjusting to life in Asuncion.

But honestly, more than my fear that a primitive outhouse awaits me, I am terrified that I just won’t be good enough. I mean, geez, I am moving to another continent to be a missionary, and that kind of conjures images of hoity toity spiritual maturity and general life togetherness that I know frankly are misguided but still scare the shit out of me.

Sometimes I say “shit,” I have been a little disillusioned about church* the last few months, and my time in the Word has been embarrassingly non-existent. I make poor decisions daily, my self-confidence is mediocre at best, and I can be scary judgmental too much of the time. I can be shy, overly introverted, standoff-ish, prideful, and defensive. And worst of all, I’m not particularly brave.

I am apprehensive that I will be too scared to take chances, that I won’t have any right answers, and that the full-time team is going to meet me and think, “This is who they sent us?!?!” and rush off to research return policies. But I guess in the end, that is exactly why God has chosen me. I will be scared, I won’t have the right answers, and I am sure I will disappoint many different people at some point, but as long as His power is made perfect in my weaknesses, I have reason to rejoice, to hope, and to look forward to the journey to come.

But still pray for me, dear friends. I am horrible about using too much toilet paper, and the extremity of this vice just might be beyond salvation.

*Okay, but the Sunday nights I have spent worshipping at Imago Dei here in Portland have been so refreshing to my soul.


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