You guuuuuuys, the pig dealer postponed pick-up AGAIN. She’s being really suspicious, and I’m starting to get really worried, because, like, OMG, I just need my little pig already. She told me it won’t be ready for another two weeks and I’m getting scared that it’s not going to happen.

A staff lunch was convened in the office in honor of a visitor, who obviously had not yet been graced with The Pig Chronicles.

You what?!
[See here, here, and here.]

*blank stare*
Oh, guys! I’m not a vegetarian anymore. I’ve started trying bites of people’s food containing meat, and I even sampled bacon the other day! But I’ve made a pact that I’m cutting off all pork products when the pig moves in because I don’t want it to smell its own flesh baking or whatever.

Wait, didn’t you recently decide to apply to a grad program in London for this fall?
If I get into the grad program in London, I’ll just take it with me. Did you know that there are passports for animals? I mean, I’m not sure if they apply to pigs, but I know they exist for dogs and cats, so it shouldn’t be an issue. But ultimately, I don’t know where I’m going for grad school and honestly, there are a lot of uncertainties about what I’m going to be doing or where I’ll be next year, so I figured I may as well just get the pig now.

I’m sure the building office manager is not going to allow you to bring an animal to work.
It will be fine. I’ll keep him under my desk. I’m good at hiding animals, remember? Besides I’ve decided to knit it a little red and white sweater, so it can be our mascot! I found this DIY [which she pronounced DEE-YAW] puppy sweater pattern. It’s going to be SO cute!

Do you have a contingency plan if things go awry?
If things don’t work out, it can probably go live on my roommate’s grandparents’ farm in Maryland. We can just put it on the train.
[Editor’s note: this was said with a completely straight face. Like, she literally thinks you can just plop a pig on the Acela Express and sent it on its merry Amtrak way.]

Who gets the pig if you and your roommate decide to go different ways?
We’ll definitely have to draw up a contract for custody and stuff.

Wow. This has been the most interesting business lunch I’ve ever attended.
It’s really amusing to me how intrigued everyone is about my getting a pig. I mean, I feel like it has fostered some great discussions because people always have so many questions. It’s been kind of a philosophical venture, really.

MP, I’ve been out all week, so I’m missing a pig update. Any news? -my boss, president of a national organization
I’m getting a boy and naming it Habibi, which means ‘my love’ in Arabic! But the farmer is calling it Grody while it’s still milking at the farm. Here, you can see a picture! *shows photo of male piglet around the office, making a point to note that it has been freshly neutered, which, by the way, is for the purposes of eliminating body odor in adolescence* When I was little, I was known for bringing in random animals and hiding them from my parents. Once I hid a dog in my closet for four months before they noticed and made me give it away. I’m pretty sure my apartment is animal-friendly, but I don’t think I’ll have any problems evading my landlord if necessary. I have lots of experience.

When do you actually get to bring it home?
Yeah, so I’m not able to pick it up until mid-February when it has been officially weaned. But that’s fine because I’m still waiting to hear back from my boyfriend to see if I can borrow his grandma’s car to drive to the farm for the pick-up. I don’t really have a plan B, but I did buy a stroller.

MP, how was your holiday break? Do you have a pig now?
Oh! The sow was supposed to give birth before Christmas, but the pig dealer said the delivery has been delayed. The farmer also hasn’t been all that responsive, so…I don’t know. Nothing yet.

[Meanwhile, everyone in the office is sure the pig has long since become a snack…]